8/12

She woke up with a start. No alarm? No baby crying? Waking up out of her own free will? What a strange concept these days.

She checked the baby monitor and sure enough, that sweet baby boy was sound asleep. She shifted onto her back and felt her four year old corgi, Fiona, pressed up against her. Fiona let out a deep sigh and snuggled in closer.

A sweet, blissful moment, Evan thought to herself. She was so tempted to turn back over and fall back asleep, but it’s not often lately that she gets a quiet morning to herself. Not since that little guy made his appearance 3.5 months ago.

So she turned on her bedside lamp to keep herself awake, and scrolled on her phone for a few minutes before letting the day take hold of her.

After she had consumed enough tik toks of various mommy bloggers’ nighttime routines, she made her way downstairs and got some coffee started. Her 7 year old corgi, Flex, always at her heals, was already begging for breakfast even though it was still dark outside. She let the dogs out to use the bathroom and breathed in the fresh air, taking in this rare, quiet moment. She found herself living for these simple moments more and more these days.

She loved motherhood, and was learning to love this new version of herself she was still getting to know each day. But there were still passing moments where she missed the simplicity of life before being a mom. Waking up on her own terms, scheduling her day around solely her own needs. She was so happy to share this life with her beautiful boy now, but still getting used to it, too.

Cup of coffee in hand, she was torn between using this time to sneak in a workout, or relaxing on the couch with her book until the baby wakes up. This is the constant battle she plays in her head everyday. During the precious moments when the baby is sleeping, she has a list of what feels like a hundred tasks to choose from. It’s always a struggle to determine her priority for the day–what she wants, what she needs, or what she has to do. It can be paralyzing. Can she nap while eating lunch and vacuuming the house? If only.

This morning she opts for reading a few chapters while eating her breakfast, and even has time to take a shower, including washing her hair, before it’s time to clock in for mom duty.

“Good morning my sweet boy!” she exclaims, turning on the lights in Brixton’s room. This might be her favorite thing about motherhood. Okay, one of her favorites. But his morning stretches, that big smile to start his day, melts her heart into the deepest puddle.

“Let’s get you dressed for the day” she says as she picks him up and lays him on the changing table. He slept for nearly 10 hours last night, so she has about .2 seconds to get him changed before his smile turns into a hangry wail.

Fed and dressed for the day, Evan takes Brixton downstairs. “I think we should go on a little adventure today” she says to him, staring into those big, beautiful blue eyes. She can’t get enough of them–even though she’s still shocked every time she sees them, because both her and her husband, Nick, have dark brown eyes. Evan takes Brixton’s big smile and very dramatic wiggle as agreement, and gets them ready to head out the door.

It’s easy as a new mom to give in to the anxiety that comes with taking the baby out in public alone. What if he screams and I can’t calm him? What if he has a blowout and we’re not near a bathroom? The list of what ifs is endless, and it often seems easier to just stay home. But she also knows getting out of the house isn’t just good for her, but for him as well. Seeing the world through his eyes, watching him discovery new things everyday, bring hers joy beyond measure. So despite the anxieties, she packs him up and heads out the door, double checking that the diaper bag has everything they could possibly need despite the fact that they will only be gone for a few hours.

The more she takes him out by herself, the more confidant she becomes. She’s dealt with a meltdown in public, she’s dealt with a blowout in the car, she’s figured it all out each time. And luckily, Brixton has become a pretty chill and go with the flow baby, so most of the time their outings are enjoyable and great bonding moments for both of them.

One thing Evan knew before she gave birth was that she didn’t want her life to stop just because she had a kid. Sure, life would look a lot different now, and she was prepared for that. But she didn’t want this little guy to keep her from living the life she wanted, from doing the things she loved to do. She knew that in order to be the best mom, the mom he deserved, she needed to hold tight to her sense of self. So while it wasn’t always the easiest thing to be out and about with an infant, and it certainly took a lot more planning and coordination, she could feel herself finding her stride with this whole motherhood thing.

They were figuring it out together, Evan and Brixton, and that was the most beautiful thing.