This one took a few days for me to get back to. Turns out when your husband goes away on a work trip and you are home alone with the baby for the first time for two days, things get away from you quite easily.
I want to write about time, and my efforts to reclaim it.
I think the hardest thing about motherhood and this whole season of life for me has been the lack of control I have over my time. My days have been dictated by this tiny, adorable, very needy human for the last 3.5 months. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, and it taught me a lot about going with the flow and learning to be more flexible, but as someone who loves to live by a very specific schedule, it’s also been really difficult to give that up.
It’s kind of crazy how overnight we go from having full autonomy over our days, to living at the beck and call of this complete stranger. No matter how strong the love I felt for this little boy was, it was still hard when all I wanted was an hour to myself, some uninterrupted time to take a shower, to clean the house, to complete a simple task without being needed.
But this is life now. And while it’s getting a bit easier and he’s getting a little less demanding, as long as he is under my roof he is going to need me. My time will never fully be just mine again. And my challenge to myself is to accept that, to lower my expectations for myself, and to find peace with this new life. Because it is beautiful, too–being needed by this human that my body created. Being able to meet all his needs, to calm all his worries, being his world and his safe space. The other tasks will always be there waiting for me, but this little life is already growing before my eyes, and these moments are fleeting.
Reclaiming my time means being okay if all the chores don’t get done in a day. It means embracing the chaos of a new day, no matter the anxieties it may bring, and finding joy in simply living. It means soaking in these precious moments because they’re already going by way too soon.
It means accepting the fact that 30 minutes of writing is better than none at all. It might not be the uninterrupted hours of time I used to have to devote to this craft, but for now it’s enough. It means waiting for the day where I have time again to start working toward my goals is just a procrastination tactic; that day is never coming. It means adjusting to this new normal, and making the most of the time I do have. It means setting aside the things that do not serve me to focus on what’s most important. It means I will have to choose most days between more sleep or working out, between a home cooked meal or cleaning the house, between time for myself or time with my kid. And no matter what I choose, it is knowing I will still find balance in it all.
So this is me, reclaiming my time. Fitting in what I can, when I can, and being okay with not doing it all–but also knowing I am worthy of making use of the time I do have to do the things that bring me joy. I know I can’t pour from an empty cup, and filling my soul with what makes me happy will only make me a better mom.
Evan Petschke 